Covid Ramblings: Back in America

 Hi friends. It's been a really long time! Things have been hectic and crazy but also seemingly mundane enough to where I feel like I have nothing noteworthy to share. I think we're all feeling that weird mixture of stress and fatigue right now with everything that is going on in the world, and America specifically. 

We are officially back in the states after three wonderful years in Japan and honestly it feels like it was a lifetime ago. We've been back in NC since October and the here-and-now seems so much stronger and more real to me than the last few years abroad, which is crazy when I think about it! Part of that is probably pregnancy brain related (baby #2 due in March) and part of it is chasing a toddler around all day, and at least half of it is my brain blocking crazy shit out in a pathetic attempt at self preservation haha!

All four fur babies and the tiny human made it back in one piece, as did a super stressed out mom and dad but we're here now! And that is the important part. I've been jumping back into work in the real estate world which has been a wonderful change of pace after doing only referrals for the last few years, and we've bee building our investment folder personally which is also super fun! 

The hubby and I are also under contract on a home down in pensacola where we will be stationed starting in the spring. I'm currently in the process of getting my Florida Brokers license reinstated so that I can split my time between NC and FL for work, and there is definitely a lot of good stuff in the works for this transition so keep your fingers crossed for my sanity. 

It has been strange coming home to a country ravaged by this pandemic after being in Japan, where the public and the government took action quickly and came together for the greater good. I don't feel very proud to be an American right now which makes me sad. We were able to vote overseas and make our voices heard for which I am thankful but I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried about the state of things in America right now. I am hopeful that this new administration will be able to turn things around and bridge the gap a bit, but at the same time I feel disgusted that so many hateful people are spewing their bogus and dangerous rhetoric around with abandon, and I don't want to bridge the gap with them. 

It's just kind of a scary time to be a parent in America. Everyone wants what is best for their children, and so many systems are broken here. We will have a lot of interesting decisions to make in the near future as far as education, healthcare, etc...and I'm not looking forward to it. 

Anyways, I am going to start to try to get back into the swing of writing since it is super cathartic for me and I would love to have you along for the journey. Goodness knows we could all use a little community these days! 

I hope you all have a relaxing and peaceful week, without a lot of holiday stress. If we've learned anything this year it should probably be that we need less than we think, and we have more than enough already. Let's keep in mind that old adage of building a longer table this season and paying it forward to those who are struggling in this time of uncertainty. 

Talk soon, Em

Quarantine Thoughts #1

Not too much has changed around here, was my first thought, when a friend asked me how we were holding up during this pandemic. As a stay at home mom who's family is stationed overseas, I'm used to the primary mode of communication being Facetime calls, I'm used to missing birthdays, and not seeing loved ones for months at a time. For the most part, with the exception of a few close friends who are in the same boat, we are pretty isolated over here.

That being said, it's impossible not to notice the shift around the world. When out on our daily walks (just to get out of the house for a bit and walk the doggies) people don't meet eyes as much. There is a hesitancy, an obvious discomfort and mistrust of those around you. Maybe if it's a pretty day you'll get a timid half-smile from someone walking by. But nobody stops and chats or watches as the babies high five while you awkwardly try to fill the language barrier with gestures and smiles. It's eerie. Japan is such a friendly culture but we're all on high alert now, just trying to make it through to the other side.

Ezmé of course, being small enough to have no clue what's going on, smiles and waves to anything that passes by us from construction workers, to other families hurrying past, to birds and airplanes flying overhead. She is a light in the darkness.

It may come as a surprise to most of you, but being stationed overseas and not having regular cable means that our news sources are primarily information that we read from news articles and scientific papers online. In other words, we have to actively go out and find it. In some ways I feel lucky that I'm not bombarded 24/7 with news (with the exception of Facebook which, I hardly trust as reliable).

However, it's hard to miss the stories about the suffering and deaths of those unfortunate ones who have contracted this virus. The stories of the families left behind and the healthcare workers being run into the ground as they try to stave off this infection are heartbreaking. And then there are the stories of those who can't seem to wrap their heads around the concept of staying home to help minimize the destruction of this illness. It makes me want to scream! Are these really the same people preaching the importance of all life? How is it okay to use policy to deny medical procedures to women with terminal pregnancies, but it's not okay to ask people to stay home to save the lives of those around you?

Will stores go out of business, yes. Will the economy take a hit, duh. Are people going to lose their jobs and need financial assistance, of course. But, can anyone honestly say that they are willing to sacrifice the lives of the people around them to 'prevent' those things from happening? I know that I can't in good conscience support that idea. To me, it is inhumane and a glaring example of one of the biggest problems in society today; our priorities are completely out of sorts.

You can see it in the posts made around the world about parents finally getting to spend quality time with their children. You can sense the frustration and stress associated with trying to balance family, self care, and working from home. You can feel the exasperation of parents trying to be teachers, parents, and friends to their kids as we're all sheltering in place. I wonder when it became so hard to have down time and just BE?

The world may have come skittering to a halt in the wake of Covid19, but it seems like even now there is an emphasis on pushing forward, working harder, overcoming this inconvenience by outpacing it. Parents trying to squeeze a full 8 hour work day into a 4 hour tele-call so they can help the kids do their 6 hours of online busy work (each!) before scrambling to get dinner and bedtime done to maintain some sense of normalcy, BUT WHY?? It's like trying to block a tsunami with a mote in the sand.

What if, instead of pushing so hard against this situation, we decided to yield a bit instead? Before I go on,  I realize that I speak from a place of privilege; I haven't lost my job, my family is financially stable and healthy for the moment, and I am able to maintain social distance in the comfort of my own home. I'm one of the lucky ones. But I can't help but wonder if this situation is being agitated by the fact that we are socially out of touch with what truly matters. The health of a society is only a good as its weakest part. What can we do to better the lives fo our neighbors? What policies and laws can we change/create to protect the good of ALL of our citizens in times of hardship?

If anything, this pandemic has shown that we need a serious overhaul in the way we think about the work-family dynamic, our healthcare system, the education system and how we treat/compensate our educators, our understanding of socio-economic worth, our care of the planet, and our (lack of) empathy/respect for our neighbors.

I don't know that I have the solution to any one of these HUGE underlying issues, but I do know that you would have to be a fool to not see these glaring problems for what they are, and to come out of this on the other side without a better understanding of the changes that we need to make.

I know that I personally have had to rework the way I think about a lot of things during this downtime. And I hope that when the skies clear we can all move forward on a better, cleaner, healthier, happier path than the one we rode in on.

Stay Safe Friends

A Letter to My Daughter on Her First Birthday: Ezmé's Birth Story

Ezmé Luna. My sweet, sassy, lovely girl. You are without a doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me. The day you were born, I was reborn as a better version of myself. You've taught me how to love unconditionally, how to push through when I want to give up, and how to slow down and appreciate every little moment.

A year ago today, your daddy and I went for our evening walk and I started to feel a little funny. At first I thought I had a cramp from walking, but I soon realized that we would probably be meeting you sooner than your due date. We finally made it home and decided to make dinner and just see how things went. I still felt a bit weird and was having regular contractions but they weren't painful so Annette, my midwife said to monitor things and keep her posted.

After dinner I decided to run a bath and just relax a bit, but as soon as I walked into the bedroom I felt a loud POP and my water broke. I'm still convinced that you karate kicked the plug out because you were tired of the scenery. I quickly messaged Annette again and said that I was definitely in labor and that my water had broken. She told us to come on in! It was about 9:00pm when we packed up the car and started driving to the hospital.

Let's just say that in the ten minutes between my water breaking and us making it down to the car, my contractions went from being super low key to being very intense and close together. I remember feeling so excited and surprised but never scared. I was so anxious to meet you!

We found a parking spot easily and joked around a bit as we got out of the car and started walking up to the hospital because my bedroom shoes were soggy, and I had to keep stopping to breathe through the contractions. They were uncomfortable but manageable and I thought to myself, 'this isn't so bad, I've totally got this'. HAH!

I quickly realized that I did not have this haha! I thought that being a yoga teacher would help me breathe through the contractions but after an hour or so I decided I wanted *quote* ALL OF THE FREAKING DRUGS *unquote*

Nobody told me that when your water breaks and you're only 1cm dilated that things get very intense, very quickly. My midwife preformed a swipe to try to get things moving and I decided I wanted to know my pain management options. Immediately. After two botched attempts to get my IV line in by a trainee I finally asked for a nurse and we were in business! I have never been so excited to get a needle shoved in my arm in my life.

I was given IV narcotics that made me feel like I was completely loopy, but I stopped feeling any pain and was able to sleep for a bit. I honestly can't remember anything during this time except that James was in a chair by the window and I could barely hold my head up! Apparently, I had several conversations with nurses and my midwife but who knows!

At some point around 1:00am on the 7th I woke up and the drugs had worn off. Not a great way to wake up! I think I said something to your daddy along the lines of, 'oh no its happening again!'  So we called the nurse in and I asked for an epidural. I remember thinking back to your Gram telling me to ask for an epidural at every appointment from 20 weeks on haha! I thought she was being funny at the time, but realized very quickly that she was only half joking.

*side note*
I am fully aware that women give birth all over the world without drugs. I am not that woman. I want all of the drugs. Pain is not my friend. And while I think all moms are badasses for giving birth however they choose...there ain't no trophy.

Anyways, the anesthesiologist was not awake and had to be woken up and called in. So, 208 years later when he finally came in I was more than ready to have a six inch needle shoved into my spine. Let me just say that I am TERRIFIED of needles, and hospitals, and shots, and blood. All of it. But when you feel like the grape stomping lady from that youtube video (see link here), you get over your fear and ask for the drugs. I honestly don't know how I stayed still long enough to get the epidural, my contractions were so close together and I still couldn't keep my head up!

Your daddy supported my shoulders and I felt a little pinch and it was done! Whew! After that I had to stay in bed because everything began to go numb, hallelujah. Annette checked me again and said things were progressing nicely so we should get some sleep. We settled down again for the night and with the exception of having to get flipped from one side to the other like a beached whale every hour or so because I would start to feel contractions in my top hip, the evening passed uneventfully.

I still felt a little bit drowsy from the narcotics so I slept really well. It was crazy to go to sleep knowing that we would get to meet you so soon, sweet girl! At six in the morning Annette came back in to check on me and I remember her face looking surprised and then her saying that I was +4 and it was time to push! She could see your head and I hadn't even noticed! Epidurals are LIFE.

For the first time I began to feel nervous. This was it. The big moment. And I couldn't feel ANYTHING. No urge to push, no contractions, nothing. I didn't know how to push because I couldn't feel anything at all. Thankfully, Annette was able to tell me when the contractions were happening from the fetal monitor. After about 40 minutes of pushing you were still stuck in the birth canal and not moving. Annette went and got a mirror so I could see what was happening when I pushed so that I would be able to better move you. I said HELL NO. As far as I was concerned there was a reason my head was on one end and my hoohah was on the other!

She said it wasn't scary looking and would help us get you out safely so I reluctantly agreed. And it actually wasn't as scary as I thought it would be! And thanks to that swift thinking idea by Annette, at 7:34am I got to see you come into this world and it was seriously the coolest thing I've ever seen. Your daddy caught you and handed you to Annette so she could put you up on my chest. You were so warm and squiggly and I remember being surprised at how warm your little body was as I held you for the first time. You were so perfect. With so much dark hair, and a funny little squished face!

Holding you felt like the most natural thing in the world. It was like meeting a part of my own soul.

Tomorrow you turn 1, and I am so proud of the little person you are becoming. You have made every single second of the last 365 days wonderful.You are so sweet and loving. We never doubt how you are feeling or what you want because you are so strong and steadfast in your opinions. You are silly and funny and so much fun to be around! You make me laugh every single day. And your hugs and smiles make my world go around.

Being your mama is the thing I am most proud of in this life. I can't wait to see what this next year brings my love. Happy Birthday <3