A Letter to My Daughter on Her First Birthday: Ezmé's Birth Story

Ezmé Luna. My sweet, sassy, lovely girl. You are without a doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me. The day you were born, I was reborn as a better version of myself. You've taught me how to love unconditionally, how to push through when I want to give up, and how to slow down and appreciate every little moment.

A year ago today, your daddy and I went for our evening walk and I started to feel a little funny. At first I thought I had a cramp from walking, but I soon realized that we would probably be meeting you sooner than your due date. We finally made it home and decided to make dinner and just see how things went. I still felt a bit weird and was having regular contractions but they weren't painful so Annette, my midwife said to monitor things and keep her posted.

After dinner I decided to run a bath and just relax a bit, but as soon as I walked into the bedroom I felt a loud POP and my water broke. I'm still convinced that you karate kicked the plug out because you were tired of the scenery. I quickly messaged Annette again and said that I was definitely in labor and that my water had broken. She told us to come on in! It was about 9:00pm when we packed up the car and started driving to the hospital.

Let's just say that in the ten minutes between my water breaking and us making it down to the car, my contractions went from being super low key to being very intense and close together. I remember feeling so excited and surprised but never scared. I was so anxious to meet you!

We found a parking spot easily and joked around a bit as we got out of the car and started walking up to the hospital because my bedroom shoes were soggy, and I had to keep stopping to breathe through the contractions. They were uncomfortable but manageable and I thought to myself, 'this isn't so bad, I've totally got this'. HAH!

I quickly realized that I did not have this haha! I thought that being a yoga teacher would help me breathe through the contractions but after an hour or so I decided I wanted *quote* ALL OF THE FREAKING DRUGS *unquote*

Nobody told me that when your water breaks and you're only 1cm dilated that things get very intense, very quickly. My midwife preformed a swipe to try to get things moving and I decided I wanted to know my pain management options. Immediately. After two botched attempts to get my IV line in by a trainee I finally asked for a nurse and we were in business! I have never been so excited to get a needle shoved in my arm in my life.

I was given IV narcotics that made me feel like I was completely loopy, but I stopped feeling any pain and was able to sleep for a bit. I honestly can't remember anything during this time except that James was in a chair by the window and I could barely hold my head up! Apparently, I had several conversations with nurses and my midwife but who knows!

At some point around 1:00am on the 7th I woke up and the drugs had worn off. Not a great way to wake up! I think I said something to your daddy along the lines of, 'oh no its happening again!'  So we called the nurse in and I asked for an epidural. I remember thinking back to your Gram telling me to ask for an epidural at every appointment from 20 weeks on haha! I thought she was being funny at the time, but realized very quickly that she was only half joking.

*side note*
I am fully aware that women give birth all over the world without drugs. I am not that woman. I want all of the drugs. Pain is not my friend. And while I think all moms are badasses for giving birth however they choose...there ain't no trophy.

Anyways, the anesthesiologist was not awake and had to be woken up and called in. So, 208 years later when he finally came in I was more than ready to have a six inch needle shoved into my spine. Let me just say that I am TERRIFIED of needles, and hospitals, and shots, and blood. All of it. But when you feel like the grape stomping lady from that youtube video (see link here), you get over your fear and ask for the drugs. I honestly don't know how I stayed still long enough to get the epidural, my contractions were so close together and I still couldn't keep my head up!

Your daddy supported my shoulders and I felt a little pinch and it was done! Whew! After that I had to stay in bed because everything began to go numb, hallelujah. Annette checked me again and said things were progressing nicely so we should get some sleep. We settled down again for the night and with the exception of having to get flipped from one side to the other like a beached whale every hour or so because I would start to feel contractions in my top hip, the evening passed uneventfully.

I still felt a little bit drowsy from the narcotics so I slept really well. It was crazy to go to sleep knowing that we would get to meet you so soon, sweet girl! At six in the morning Annette came back in to check on me and I remember her face looking surprised and then her saying that I was +4 and it was time to push! She could see your head and I hadn't even noticed! Epidurals are LIFE.

For the first time I began to feel nervous. This was it. The big moment. And I couldn't feel ANYTHING. No urge to push, no contractions, nothing. I didn't know how to push because I couldn't feel anything at all. Thankfully, Annette was able to tell me when the contractions were happening from the fetal monitor. After about 40 minutes of pushing you were still stuck in the birth canal and not moving. Annette went and got a mirror so I could see what was happening when I pushed so that I would be able to better move you. I said HELL NO. As far as I was concerned there was a reason my head was on one end and my hoohah was on the other!

She said it wasn't scary looking and would help us get you out safely so I reluctantly agreed. And it actually wasn't as scary as I thought it would be! And thanks to that swift thinking idea by Annette, at 7:34am I got to see you come into this world and it was seriously the coolest thing I've ever seen. Your daddy caught you and handed you to Annette so she could put you up on my chest. You were so warm and squiggly and I remember being surprised at how warm your little body was as I held you for the first time. You were so perfect. With so much dark hair, and a funny little squished face!

Holding you felt like the most natural thing in the world. It was like meeting a part of my own soul.

Tomorrow you turn 1, and I am so proud of the little person you are becoming. You have made every single second of the last 365 days wonderful.You are so sweet and loving. We never doubt how you are feeling or what you want because you are so strong and steadfast in your opinions. You are silly and funny and so much fun to be around! You make me laugh every single day. And your hugs and smiles make my world go around.

Being your mama is the thing I am most proud of in this life. I can't wait to see what this next year brings my love. Happy Birthday <3

Blogtober Day 8!

What are three lessons you have learned in the last year?

Narrowing this list down has been quite an adventure. The past year has been so incredibly full of important lessons and moments of clarity. I have days where I feel like I've got all of my ducks in a row, and I'm killing it as a mom, friend, wife, sister etc. And then there are other days where I never leave my house, and keeping the baby alive is the only goal of the day.

So honestly, the biggest lesson I have probably learned this year is; LET GO. Let go of all of the expectations that build up throughout the day about how you are supposed to be doing things. Let go of the self judgement and the feelings of not being good enough. Let go of the crippling need to control every little thing that happens (especially where the baby is concerned). Let go of the need to do everything myself so that it is 'done right'. Let go of the anxiety of doing things wrong for Ezmé. She will be fine if her routine is thrown off a little, or if she gags on a piece of food, or if we skip bath time once or twice. Just take a deep breath and let go a little.

The second important lesson I have learned this year is; ask for help when you need it. When we first brought Ezmé home I struggled horribly with anxiety and letting people come help me. Honestly, I didn't know how to ask for help because a lot of the time I didn't know what I needed. It was so overwhelming to realize that this tiny human was mine to raise and nurture and teach, that I could barely process what I needed to do outside of taking care of her. This anxiety made me hold on to controlling my environment to the point where I wouldn't ask anyone to help me do things because I needed them to be done a certain way. I've always been type A about the way things are cleaned and organized in my house, so this was a huge process for me, learning how to ask for help, allow the help to be given, and then to be okay with things being done differently than I would do them myself. Now, I'm finding it easier to ask for help because you start the realize that getting things done at all (like; laundry, dishes, cleaning the house, walking the dogs, going to the grocery store, everything) takes a damn village when you have a baby to take care of!

Thirdly, I have learned how important it is to appreciate and fully absorb each moment. Time goes so fast with babies. One minute they are a tiny little tree frog curled up on your chest, and the next minute they are crawling and laughing and playing. It is INSANE how easy it is to rush and miss these incredible moments, especially when you are multitasking which, let's be honest, we all do. The other day I was trying to get groceries out of the car and grab Ezmé, and get up all the stairs to our third floor apartment, when she put her head down on my shoulder and just snuggled in so tightly. You better believe I put down all of those bags in the middle of the parking lot, took off my backpack, and just gave her the biggest squeeze because I could tell she needed it and I did too. I'm trying to remember that I only have a certain amount of time to spend with her and love on her and make sure she knows that she is the most important thing in the world to me. I don't want her to think back and remember, my mom always kept the house spotless, or she brought all those groceries up in one go haha. All she cares about is spending time playing and reading and snuggling with her mama. And that is so important to remember. I read a quote today that said, 'you have a child forever, but you only have a baby for a year.'

Being grateful and in the moment is something that we all should focus on more. But I especially want to remember this lesson because the days may be long but the years are short, and I want to fill up my life with all of these little moments of happiness and love so that I can look back without regrets and know that I spent my time wisely enjoying my family.

What are the three most important lessons YOU have learned this year?

Blogtober Day 1

Welcome to #blogtober Day 1!
The topic for today is...
What is your main motivation in life??
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A broad answer to this question would be love. Love for my family. Love for my friends. Spreading love and kindness and just trying to make the world easier and more beautiful place to be a part of. Specifically, this tiny, miraculous human is my motivation. Because I want all of those things for her. I want Ezmé to grow up in a world that is kind, and peaceful, and compassionate for everyone. I want her to treat everyone with the respect and empathy that they deserve. I want her to understand that things aren’t always easy but that approaching life with a good outlook can make things better. I want her to know that she is fiercely loved and that she is perfect just the way she is. My motivation in life has completely been overtaken by this child because I want what all parents want; what’s best for their kid. There is a lot of ugliness in the world right now: school shootings, dirty politics, hate crimes, xenophobia, destruction of our planet. I want to raise a daughter who will strive to make these things better, because as much as I wish that she wouldn’t have to deal with these issues, her generation will be born into the middle of it. And I hope that they will rise to the occasion and fix the things that we couldn’t fix for them. 💙
#wherefeathersfall #motivation #journaling #awareness #babygirl #ezméluna #worldpeace #motherhoodrising #motherhood #motherhoodunplugged

Must Have Baby Items

Good morning!

The baby is FINALLY asleep for her morning nap after not sleeping well due to her cold, waking up at 5:00am, throwing a fit because she couldn't nurse since her nose was stuffy, and then finally pooping out from sheer exhaustion. Everything is fine (insert dog in flames meme). I have just poured myself a huge, holiday pour of wine, (I mean COFFEE!) Silly me, and realized that I have a bit of time to myself!

So, here I am at my computer going through all of the blog posts that I have backlogged in my head from the last 8 months...

One thing that I get asked a lot, as I'm sure every new mom can attest to, is what are your must have baby items if you're expecting? Now, this is a great question and I asked it myself, but I definitely realized through trial and error that the same thing doesn't always work for every baby. AND if it does work for your baby, don't hold your breath because it probably won't work next week.

However, with that in mind, here is a list of things that really helped us out when Ezmé was born:

1. My Brest Friend Nursing Pillow: this thing saved my life because I don't care what anybody says, breastfeeding is hard and not intuitive at all. This pillow straps around your waist, has pockets for your phone and stuff, and is curved to fit baby perfectly. If you plan on breastfeeding, I highly recommend this pillow.

2. The Haakaa: again, another weird breastfeeding thing. Something they don't tell you about is that while you're nursing on one side, your other boob is going to leak like it's possessed and get all over the place. And let me just tell you, there is NOTHING more sad than wasted milk. This bad boy suctions on to your other side and collects the milk so that you can save it. Be beware because little crazy feet like to kick this thing off and it will go flying. Also, I always kept a mug or cup next to me to set the Haakaa in because it is weirdly top heavy. But other than that, totally awesome!

3. Hatch Baby Rest Sound Machine: this thing is a lifesaver. It has so many different settings for light color, sound, and timer. It also let's you set programs to run automatically from the app on your phone. I want to get another one for my room! And I'm pretty sure the newer model has a digital clock built in.

4. Dock-a-tot: we LOVED our dock! Some people have said they weren't a fan but it worked really well for us because we could put her in it and bring her wherever we were in the house. It basically works as a portable, light bassinet and co-sleeper. When Ezmé was first born we swaddled her, put her in the dockatot and then set that in the pack in play (on the tall setting)right next to the bed.

5. Some kind of swing...we used the Graco Simple Swing but ended up going through two of them because they kept breaking, no idea why. Ezmé LOVED this swing though. She napped in it for the first 5 months of her life, and it would calm her down whenever she was angsty. But I will say it has a huge footprint and I think there are probably better options out there.

6. Tula Explore Baby Carrier: I love this baby carrier. It is so comfortable and baby is flush up against you so there's no weird pressure points. This specific one also can hold newborns, babies, and toddlers; front facing, inward facing, and on your back. It is easy to adjust, easy to wash, and perfect for every day use. We took this bad boy to Bali and it was the only thing we needed for Ezmé.

7.  Spectra S1 Pump: this pump is rechargeable, light, and really easy to use. It holds its charge for a long time, and has held up really well through our travels and getting banged around. It's also easy to figure out the settings and order new parts when you need them. 

These are the big items that we actually used every day with our nugget. There are a bunch of small items that are super useful to have too like; swaddles, nail clippers, a thermometer, butt cream, baby shampoo, baby mittens, and a soother! All of these things are linked and I am attaching my public amazon list of Baby Must Haves if anyone wants to check out the full shebang.

Just remember that you will get a ton of advice as a new parent, but you know your baby better than anyone. So just keep trying different things and see what works best for you :)

Hope this helps!

BLOGTOBER

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly time goes by. Since having Ezmé, it has flown by even faster and I find myself trying so hard to live in the moment because these little humans change and grow so quickly. Every day brings some new challenge or accomplishment for my little chunk!

It is also super easy as a new mom to get a little bit lost in the all consuming world that is caring and loving your new baby. I have definitely struggled with uniting the old and new me since having Ezmé, and one thing that has helped bring me back to a bit of old routine is writing and reading. Keeping my blog up has obviously fallen to the wayside in recent months, but the online community of mamas has played such an integral part in shaping my motherhood journey that it seems appropriate to try to put my journaling back onto the screen.

That is why I have decided to create Blogtober (is that already a thing??) ! 31 days of writing prompts and ideas. 31 blog posts that can be as long or short as you want them to be. If you don't have a blog, you can just write a Facebook or Instagram post! I hope this will help me get back into the swing of doing something for myself (writing) and encourage others to do the same.

I've been working on a list of writing prompts...but if there are any subjects or ideas that ring true to you, and you would like to take this journey with me, feel free to share!! On September 30th I will share the full list of writing prompts...

Let's take a couple of minutes out of the day to reflect and do something for ourselves <3

#motherhoodunplugged #thisgoesouttoallthebabymamas