A Letter to My Daughter on Her First Birthday: Ezmé's Birth Story

Ezmé Luna. My sweet, sassy, lovely girl. You are without a doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me. The day you were born, I was reborn as a better version of myself. You've taught me how to love unconditionally, how to push through when I want to give up, and how to slow down and appreciate every little moment.

A year ago today, your daddy and I went for our evening walk and I started to feel a little funny. At first I thought I had a cramp from walking, but I soon realized that we would probably be meeting you sooner than your due date. We finally made it home and decided to make dinner and just see how things went. I still felt a bit weird and was having regular contractions but they weren't painful so Annette, my midwife said to monitor things and keep her posted.

After dinner I decided to run a bath and just relax a bit, but as soon as I walked into the bedroom I felt a loud POP and my water broke. I'm still convinced that you karate kicked the plug out because you were tired of the scenery. I quickly messaged Annette again and said that I was definitely in labor and that my water had broken. She told us to come on in! It was about 9:00pm when we packed up the car and started driving to the hospital.

Let's just say that in the ten minutes between my water breaking and us making it down to the car, my contractions went from being super low key to being very intense and close together. I remember feeling so excited and surprised but never scared. I was so anxious to meet you!

We found a parking spot easily and joked around a bit as we got out of the car and started walking up to the hospital because my bedroom shoes were soggy, and I had to keep stopping to breathe through the contractions. They were uncomfortable but manageable and I thought to myself, 'this isn't so bad, I've totally got this'. HAH!

I quickly realized that I did not have this haha! I thought that being a yoga teacher would help me breathe through the contractions but after an hour or so I decided I wanted *quote* ALL OF THE FREAKING DRUGS *unquote*

Nobody told me that when your water breaks and you're only 1cm dilated that things get very intense, very quickly. My midwife preformed a swipe to try to get things moving and I decided I wanted to know my pain management options. Immediately. After two botched attempts to get my IV line in by a trainee I finally asked for a nurse and we were in business! I have never been so excited to get a needle shoved in my arm in my life.

I was given IV narcotics that made me feel like I was completely loopy, but I stopped feeling any pain and was able to sleep for a bit. I honestly can't remember anything during this time except that James was in a chair by the window and I could barely hold my head up! Apparently, I had several conversations with nurses and my midwife but who knows!

At some point around 1:00am on the 7th I woke up and the drugs had worn off. Not a great way to wake up! I think I said something to your daddy along the lines of, 'oh no its happening again!'  So we called the nurse in and I asked for an epidural. I remember thinking back to your Gram telling me to ask for an epidural at every appointment from 20 weeks on haha! I thought she was being funny at the time, but realized very quickly that she was only half joking.

*side note*
I am fully aware that women give birth all over the world without drugs. I am not that woman. I want all of the drugs. Pain is not my friend. And while I think all moms are badasses for giving birth however they choose...there ain't no trophy.

Anyways, the anesthesiologist was not awake and had to be woken up and called in. So, 208 years later when he finally came in I was more than ready to have a six inch needle shoved into my spine. Let me just say that I am TERRIFIED of needles, and hospitals, and shots, and blood. All of it. But when you feel like the grape stomping lady from that youtube video (see link here), you get over your fear and ask for the drugs. I honestly don't know how I stayed still long enough to get the epidural, my contractions were so close together and I still couldn't keep my head up!

Your daddy supported my shoulders and I felt a little pinch and it was done! Whew! After that I had to stay in bed because everything began to go numb, hallelujah. Annette checked me again and said things were progressing nicely so we should get some sleep. We settled down again for the night and with the exception of having to get flipped from one side to the other like a beached whale every hour or so because I would start to feel contractions in my top hip, the evening passed uneventfully.

I still felt a little bit drowsy from the narcotics so I slept really well. It was crazy to go to sleep knowing that we would get to meet you so soon, sweet girl! At six in the morning Annette came back in to check on me and I remember her face looking surprised and then her saying that I was +4 and it was time to push! She could see your head and I hadn't even noticed! Epidurals are LIFE.

For the first time I began to feel nervous. This was it. The big moment. And I couldn't feel ANYTHING. No urge to push, no contractions, nothing. I didn't know how to push because I couldn't feel anything at all. Thankfully, Annette was able to tell me when the contractions were happening from the fetal monitor. After about 40 minutes of pushing you were still stuck in the birth canal and not moving. Annette went and got a mirror so I could see what was happening when I pushed so that I would be able to better move you. I said HELL NO. As far as I was concerned there was a reason my head was on one end and my hoohah was on the other!

She said it wasn't scary looking and would help us get you out safely so I reluctantly agreed. And it actually wasn't as scary as I thought it would be! And thanks to that swift thinking idea by Annette, at 7:34am I got to see you come into this world and it was seriously the coolest thing I've ever seen. Your daddy caught you and handed you to Annette so she could put you up on my chest. You were so warm and squiggly and I remember being surprised at how warm your little body was as I held you for the first time. You were so perfect. With so much dark hair, and a funny little squished face!

Holding you felt like the most natural thing in the world. It was like meeting a part of my own soul.

Tomorrow you turn 1, and I am so proud of the little person you are becoming. You have made every single second of the last 365 days wonderful.You are so sweet and loving. We never doubt how you are feeling or what you want because you are so strong and steadfast in your opinions. You are silly and funny and so much fun to be around! You make me laugh every single day. And your hugs and smiles make my world go around.

Being your mama is the thing I am most proud of in this life. I can't wait to see what this next year brings my love. Happy Birthday <3

Happy New Year

Wow, what a whirlwind this holiday season has been! Celebrating Ezme's first Christmas back at home in NC was such a blessing, especially since she is growing and changing so much every day. Even if we ended up having to celebrate Christmas a day late because James and I were down for the count with a bug it was wonderful being with family and friends.

I have to admit though, that every time I go back home it is harder and harder to leave. Living overseas has been such a challenge for me, even more so this last year being a new mom. Not having family nearby for support during these post-partum months has really taken a toll on me, and even though we have wonderful friends here in Oki, it always feels like something is missing. I have so much respect for single parents, and parents who are stationed away from their families. It is NOT for the faint of heart!

But I have learned a lot this last year. I have grown so much as a person. 2019 has by far been the hardest, most intense year of my life. But it has also been the most wonderful! I have been humbled to my core this year. Becoming a mom to my sweet girl has broken me down and built me back up as a stronger, more fierce, more determined version of myself. I've had to experience a lot of this journey alone since James' job has him working such long hours, and there were definitely times where I felt like I wasn't doing anything right. But there has been so much beauty in these weak moments.

My feelings of self doubt, anxiety, and being overwhelmed have been met head on with a newly found trust in myself. The kind of trust that comes from holding on to control so tightly that you reach a point where all you can do is let go and rely solely on your intuition and heart. This is a lesson of motherhood that I seem to forget and relearn almost weekly, but slowly I am getting better at reaching this point of calm quicker and more gracefully.

Ultimately, my biggest lesson from this year has been learning that the only thing that truly matters is love. I know, I know, that sounds super dorky and cliche, but it's the truth. Your baby is going to go through regressions, they won't sleep when they are supposed, or eat when you want them to. They will cry and fall down and have really hard learning moments. The house will be a mess, laundry will pile up, and sometimes you and your spouse will only see each other for a few minutes a day. And all of this can build up and make you feel like you are doing something wrong. But babies are just little humans learning how to fit into this big world, and all we can do as mothers is love them and be present for them, messy house or no!

I've learned that no matter how many books or blogs I read, no matter how many sleep training methods I study up on, whether I do baby led weaning of go for purees, none of this matters ultimately. My baby is safe, happy, loved, and has people around her who love and care for her. That is enough. More than enough really.

Another huge lesson I have been repeatedly learning this year is that you can't pour from an empty cup. When you spend your days and nights pouring your heart and soul into another persons happiness, taking care of yourself takes a backseat. Maintaining a balance of self care and the care of others during motherhood is the biggest struggle. I think every mom feels this way and recognizes that keeping this balance is basically a full time job! Honestly, I thought that I would be WAY better at it. Especially coming from a background in yoga, I felt so confident that I would be able to remain grounded and balanced throughout this journey.

HAH! I went from doing yoga at least once a day, meditating, teaching, reading yoga texts, and living my yoga every single day to completely neglecting my home practice. This has been one of my biggest struggles this year, losing this huge piece of myself. But looking back, I realize that I didn't lose my practice, it just evolved with me. My asana and meditation practice basically went out the door, but my utilization and practice of service to others, and my heart practice has grown tenfold. Living your yoga doesn't necessarily mean rolling out your mat every day, it encompasses so much more than that. A lesson that I read about and knew from my studies, but had to experience first hand to truly understand.

That being said, I am finally feeling ready to let go of a few things that have been holding me back this year and move forward into 2020 with the intention of getting back into my practice in a more balanced way. I've always loved the ritual of making resolutions at the beginning of a new year and letting go of the things that no longer serve me but this year I am going a different route.

Instead of making resolutions for this year, I am choosing to set intentions instead. I will try my best to honor these intentions and follow through on them, but I will be forgiving and flexible with myself when challenges arise, because they definitely will! Overall, my biggest intention for 2020 is to strive to find balance in all things. 

So, with all of that being said, and because I love lists, here are my intentions for this new year:

*I will trust my intuition and heart, and be open to change
*I will strive for patience and empathy in all situations
*I will let go of unnecessary worry, fear, and anxiety
*I will focus more on my mental & physical health
*I will spend 10 minutes every day in quiet meditation
*I will do something I enjoy, for myself every day
*I will be more open and honest with myself and others
*I will read & write more for enjoyment
*I will remember to live in the moment and appreciate it
*I will spend less time on social media and more time being present
*I will continue to love and teach my sweet baby to the best of my ability
*I will be at peace with my decisions
*I will opt for a plant based diet
*I will try to live a cruelty free lifestyle


My hope for you all in this new year, sweet friends, is that you find fulfillment and peace in your lives! That you live in each moment fully and blissfully. That you manifest your dreams and appreciate them for the lessons they bring you. That you let go of the things holding you back and banish negativity that tries to come between you and your happiness. I hope that you strive for love over hate, peace over conflict, unity over division. May we all share with others when we have more than we need, and opt for inclusion and kindness instead of division and fear of the unknown.

Wishing you and yours light and love...

Happy New Year!!

Blogtober Day 8!

What are three lessons you have learned in the last year?

Narrowing this list down has been quite an adventure. The past year has been so incredibly full of important lessons and moments of clarity. I have days where I feel like I've got all of my ducks in a row, and I'm killing it as a mom, friend, wife, sister etc. And then there are other days where I never leave my house, and keeping the baby alive is the only goal of the day.

So honestly, the biggest lesson I have probably learned this year is; LET GO. Let go of all of the expectations that build up throughout the day about how you are supposed to be doing things. Let go of the self judgement and the feelings of not being good enough. Let go of the crippling need to control every little thing that happens (especially where the baby is concerned). Let go of the need to do everything myself so that it is 'done right'. Let go of the anxiety of doing things wrong for Ezmé. She will be fine if her routine is thrown off a little, or if she gags on a piece of food, or if we skip bath time once or twice. Just take a deep breath and let go a little.

The second important lesson I have learned this year is; ask for help when you need it. When we first brought Ezmé home I struggled horribly with anxiety and letting people come help me. Honestly, I didn't know how to ask for help because a lot of the time I didn't know what I needed. It was so overwhelming to realize that this tiny human was mine to raise and nurture and teach, that I could barely process what I needed to do outside of taking care of her. This anxiety made me hold on to controlling my environment to the point where I wouldn't ask anyone to help me do things because I needed them to be done a certain way. I've always been type A about the way things are cleaned and organized in my house, so this was a huge process for me, learning how to ask for help, allow the help to be given, and then to be okay with things being done differently than I would do them myself. Now, I'm finding it easier to ask for help because you start the realize that getting things done at all (like; laundry, dishes, cleaning the house, walking the dogs, going to the grocery store, everything) takes a damn village when you have a baby to take care of!

Thirdly, I have learned how important it is to appreciate and fully absorb each moment. Time goes so fast with babies. One minute they are a tiny little tree frog curled up on your chest, and the next minute they are crawling and laughing and playing. It is INSANE how easy it is to rush and miss these incredible moments, especially when you are multitasking which, let's be honest, we all do. The other day I was trying to get groceries out of the car and grab Ezmé, and get up all the stairs to our third floor apartment, when she put her head down on my shoulder and just snuggled in so tightly. You better believe I put down all of those bags in the middle of the parking lot, took off my backpack, and just gave her the biggest squeeze because I could tell she needed it and I did too. I'm trying to remember that I only have a certain amount of time to spend with her and love on her and make sure she knows that she is the most important thing in the world to me. I don't want her to think back and remember, my mom always kept the house spotless, or she brought all those groceries up in one go haha. All she cares about is spending time playing and reading and snuggling with her mama. And that is so important to remember. I read a quote today that said, 'you have a child forever, but you only have a baby for a year.'

Being grateful and in the moment is something that we all should focus on more. But I especially want to remember this lesson because the days may be long but the years are short, and I want to fill up my life with all of these little moments of happiness and love so that I can look back without regrets and know that I spent my time wisely enjoying my family.

What are the three most important lessons YOU have learned this year?

Blogtober Day 1

Welcome to #blogtober Day 1!
The topic for today is...
What is your main motivation in life??
•
•
•
A broad answer to this question would be love. Love for my family. Love for my friends. Spreading love and kindness and just trying to make the world easier and more beautiful place to be a part of. Specifically, this tiny, miraculous human is my motivation. Because I want all of those things for her. I want Ezmé to grow up in a world that is kind, and peaceful, and compassionate for everyone. I want her to treat everyone with the respect and empathy that they deserve. I want her to understand that things aren’t always easy but that approaching life with a good outlook can make things better. I want her to know that she is fiercely loved and that she is perfect just the way she is. My motivation in life has completely been overtaken by this child because I want what all parents want; what’s best for their kid. There is a lot of ugliness in the world right now: school shootings, dirty politics, hate crimes, xenophobia, destruction of our planet. I want to raise a daughter who will strive to make these things better, because as much as I wish that she wouldn’t have to deal with these issues, her generation will be born into the middle of it. And I hope that they will rise to the occasion and fix the things that we couldn’t fix for them. 💙
#wherefeathersfall #motivation #journaling #awareness #babygirl #ezméluna #worldpeace #motherhoodrising #motherhood #motherhoodunplugged