I have to admit though, that every time I go back home it is harder and harder to leave. Living overseas has been such a challenge for me, even more so this last year being a new mom. Not having family nearby for support during these post-partum months has really taken a toll on me, and even though we have wonderful friends here in Oki, it always feels like something is missing. I have so much respect for single parents, and parents who are stationed away from their families. It is NOT for the faint of heart!
But I have learned a lot this last year. I have grown so much as a person. 2019 has by far been the hardest, most intense year of my life. But it has also been the most wonderful! I have been humbled to my core this year. Becoming a mom to my sweet girl has broken me down and built me back up as a stronger, more fierce, more determined version of myself. I've had to experience a lot of this journey alone since James' job has him working such long hours, and there were definitely times where I felt like I wasn't doing anything right. But there has been so much beauty in these weak moments.
My feelings of self doubt, anxiety, and being overwhelmed have been met head on with a newly found trust in myself. The kind of trust that comes from holding on to control so tightly that you reach a point where all you can do is let go and rely solely on your intuition and heart. This is a lesson of motherhood that I seem to forget and relearn almost weekly, but slowly I am getting better at reaching this point of calm quicker and more gracefully.
Ultimately, my biggest lesson from this year has been learning that the only thing that truly matters is love. I know, I know, that sounds super dorky and cliche, but it's the truth. Your baby is going to go through regressions, they won't sleep when they are supposed, or eat when you want them to. They will cry and fall down and have really hard learning moments. The house will be a mess, laundry will pile up, and sometimes you and your spouse will only see each other for a few minutes a day. And all of this can build up and make you feel like you are doing something wrong. But babies are just little humans learning how to fit into this big world, and all we can do as mothers is love them and be present for them, messy house or no!
I've learned that no matter how many books or blogs I read, no matter how many sleep training methods I study up on, whether I do baby led weaning of go for purees, none of this matters ultimately. My baby is safe, happy, loved, and has people around her who love and care for her. That is enough. More than enough really.
Another huge lesson I have been repeatedly learning this year is that you can't pour from an empty cup. When you spend your days and nights pouring your heart and soul into another persons happiness, taking care of yourself takes a backseat. Maintaining a balance of self care and the care of others during motherhood is the biggest struggle. I think every mom feels this way and recognizes that keeping this balance is basically a full time job! Honestly, I thought that I would be WAY better at it. Especially coming from a background in yoga, I felt so confident that I would be able to remain grounded and balanced throughout this journey.
HAH! I went from doing yoga at least once a day, meditating, teaching, reading yoga texts, and living my yoga every single day to completely neglecting my home practice. This has been one of my biggest struggles this year, losing this huge piece of myself. But looking back, I realize that I didn't lose my practice, it just evolved with me. My asana and meditation practice basically went out the door, but my utilization and practice of service to others, and my heart practice has grown tenfold. Living your yoga doesn't necessarily mean rolling out your mat every day, it encompasses so much more than that. A lesson that I read about and knew from my studies, but had to experience first hand to truly understand.
That being said, I am finally feeling ready to let go of a few things that have been holding me back this year and move forward into 2020 with the intention of getting back into my practice in a more balanced way. I've always loved the ritual of making resolutions at the beginning of a new year and letting go of the things that no longer serve me but this year I am going a different route.
Instead of making resolutions for this year, I am choosing to set intentions instead. I will try my best to honor these intentions and follow through on them, but I will be forgiving and flexible with myself when challenges arise, because they definitely will! Overall, my biggest intention for 2020 is to strive to find balance in all things.
So, with all of that being said, and because I love lists, here are my intentions for this new year:
*I will trust my intuition and heart, and be open to change
*I will strive for patience and empathy in all situations
*I will let go of unnecessary worry, fear, and anxiety
*I will focus more on my mental & physical health
*I will spend 10 minutes every day in quiet meditation
*I will do something I enjoy, for myself every day
*I will be more open and honest with myself and others
*I will read & write more for enjoyment
*I will remember to live in the moment and appreciate it
*I will spend less time on social media and more time being present
*I will continue to love and teach my sweet baby to the best of my ability
*I will be at peace with my decisions
*I will opt for a plant based diet
*I will try to live a cruelty free lifestyle
My hope for you all in this new year, sweet friends, is that you find fulfillment and peace in your lives! That you live in each moment fully and blissfully. That you manifest your dreams and appreciate them for the lessons they bring you. That you let go of the things holding you back and banish negativity that tries to come between you and your happiness. I hope that you strive for love over hate, peace over conflict, unity over division. May we all share with others when we have more than we need, and opt for inclusion and kindness instead of division and fear of the unknown.
Wishing you and yours light and love...
Happy New Year!!
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